Who wants a perfect world?

Well, Everyone. We all want a perfect house, a perfect wife/husband, a perfect country, a perfect car, a perfect customer, a perfect service, a perfect life... We romanticise everything to its perfectness. we have a definition of a perfect neighbour, and if our neighbour doesn't fit the bill, we say we have a bad neighbour. We have a definition of perfectness for everything and our expectations in life have soared to such high levels we have set impossible levels for our family, friends and society to meet these standards. One of the reason for this is our growing affluence. The more affluent we are, the more higher the standards we set for ourselves and others. The more affluent we are, the more entitled to better service and care we expect of those around us.

Ultimately, this shall have cascading effect on our happiness because, the more perfection we aspire in ourselves and others, the more disappointed we are going to be.

Is life ever going to be perfect?

Well, I cannot but be the bearer of bad news. Life is never going to be perfect. All what I have ever read, been taught, experienced, have only tried to convey that life will only be imperfect. In the myriad characters of our mythologies, we see everyone has a folly and isn't perfect. In our lessons of the lives of great Inventors and discoverers, they have never been perfect, neither have their inventions and discoveries,one which, time and again have been improved upon and theories revisited with even resulted in drastically opposite views and conjectures. Even in my life, I cannot but see imperfections in all, including me. Follies, shortcomings, immaturities, misbeliefs, misunderstandings, flaws in character, like selfishness, jealousy, hatred, unwarranted bias, naivety, greed, etc., all I have ever seen is imperfections.

But there are only two things that will ever be perfect in everyone's life. It will be their father and mother. Isn't that something that we see so common amongst the myriad of shades of imperfections in this world, that everyone sees their parents as being perfect, being their source of strength, being their pillar of support, being their heroes, being their guiding light? Isn't it so singular? Why is it that everyone is able to see only their parents to be perfect, but not able to see anyone else or any other thing to be perfect? 

If we can analyse this, we can be more happy. I am not going to analyse this for you. You are better qualified for it.

Believe me, our parents know we are not perfect children, yet they choose to love us unconditionally. Isn't that the simple solution. Unconditional love. 

Can we work unconditionally for our client. can you help your friend unconditionally. Can you serve a customer unconditionally. Can we reconcile with things we have bought with our hard earned money to be perfect for the time and opportunity. Can we try and be more unconditional. Can we be more content. Can we be more humble.

The problem today is, we have even started romanticising unconditional love. We have started setting standards for our parents to meet. Isn't that a sad day.

Kerala Introspection

Kerala Yatra: February 11, 2013 - February 16, 2013

Started from tuty at 10:30 by bus (SETC) and reached tirunelveli at 11:30. Isravel picked us at Bus Stand. Went to Janakiram for lunch started on the Yatra at 12:30

I have started on a critical and analytical journey. Was thinking how to pray, what to pray, what to ask. What should be my sankalpam? My first instinct was to go to these temples and "blackmail" saying that i will not come back to see them unless they grant me the boons and blessings i seek. Fancy my chances of convincing the gods that they will miss 'me'. So narcissistic and self pompous thought. So I decided that I will not blackmail the gods in front of the sannithanams.

The next instinct was to "bribe" them saying that if they grant me my boons and blessings I will return and instead of giving them Rs.10 will give each Rs.500. Again fancy my chances that how much I have to give to impress and ask for quid pro quo.

I soon realised that I can not "bargain", i cannot blackmail, all I can do is surrender and go to the sannithanams and lay a petition seeking a list of boons and blessings and will wait for them to act on them at their will. But that was being naive where the list is not going to be any different from my earlier lists or something that the 'omniscient' himself/herself did not know.

Then, should I "beg"? Show that I am desperate. After all, only the crying child gets fed. Yes, he and she are full of love. But how am I to get their attention. Will my begging be answered by alms of Boons?

So what am I to do at the sannithanams, what form of prayer should I follow. How am I to go about this journey.

Will this be a journey of self discovery?

Will this be a journey of self realisation?

Will this journey show the path of self actualisation?

What attracted me to this journey? Why this journey? Maybe I thought seeing all gods could bring about a whole change in me. Since we will be seeing Ganapathy, Iyyappan, Shivan, Parvathi/ Sakthi, krishnan, Vishnu, dhanvanthri, nagayakshi, katyayini, Kali, murugar, bharathan, ramar, Adishankarar... Like a galaxy of gods - If all their grace will not bring good things in my life... Who will? Or what will? 

Well I have 6 days to instrospect.

Introspection! Will it bring sanity? Or Will it drive me to insanity? On one hand I know there is no progress without introspection but at the same time, introspection without any new inputs is a waste of time because it will lead me to the same decisions that I have made. This where I miss my Guru. There was a daily progress when I was with him. Without him there is stagnation of thoughts and break-down in the journey.

Well reached Kottarakkara at 4:30pm and had darshan at 5:00 sharp. Stood dumb founded in front of Ganapathy. Just allowed the energy to envelop into me. Felt nice heaviness in Ajna. Slowly asked for removal of all hurdles in personal/financial/physical well being and reach my potential. Again slowly realising that I have to first fix what is my potential. What is my potential? To lead the world? Country? State? City? I don't think it is in my potential to lead any part of any community! Thinking a bit... I come to realise this exercise is futile as I have started to confuse potential with destiny! What is destiny but one that can be seen only after the journey. Destiny! That makes me rephrase my earlier statement. I don't think it is in my destiny to lead any part of any community. Makes more sense. Because it is still my potential - provided I get the opportunity. Hmmmm.. Probably doesn't make sense... Just some confused ramblings..... After all the journey (Yatra) has just begun. Will surely be writing more clearly towards the end I hope.

Onwards we go towards Pandalam. Birthplace of Shri. ayyappan. Well, before I could do some introspection .. We have visited Pandalam, Chengannur, Thiruvalla, Chakkulathukaavu. Remained plain in thoughts... Taking in the visual forms of the deities, taking in their vibrations.

Continuing the thoughts... What are the blessings / boons I seek? Do I deserve them? I have no doubt that I would have been a better person in this life if I had got what I deserved at the appropriate stages in life. So I am right in demanding now what I deserve. Coming back to the things I deserve... Why haven't I got them yet? Is it by design? Is it to experience this a part of my greater education that spans across lives?

Staying over night at Kottayam. On with my night ramblings...

Taking one of the major pain points in my life being that of my marriage...what do I want? I want A true companion... An understanding Partner... A passionate lover... an Avid learner and a patient teacher, whose love I have won and surrendered my love to her... Whose respect I am able to earn and maintain, who motivates me, who is optimistic...who understands my path of Shaktha...and plays her role... And we become spiritual partners... Share divine love...suddenly my own thoughts make me laugh.. Going more and more towards idealism... After all when I am about to get married only at 40 I strongly feel that I should increase standards instead of lowering as common sense dictates.even if I have an aorta of a chance of living the few years in love. Sharing loving times for as long as possible. Ok.ok. I am painting an impossible rosy picture... Maybe... I will spend my married life being successfully henpecked and may be filled with bickering till end... May be... But as I pray... Let me pray for the best... My philosophy has been... Expect the best while preparing for the worst...

An hectic morning visiting Thirunakkara(Kottayam), Etrumaanoor, Kaduthurithi, Vaikom, Chottanikkara, Thiruppunnithura and drove down to Guruvayoor.

Continuing my thoughts at Guruvayoor.

Off late I have been very distracted.... Is it possible that I was avoiding introspection... Avoiding critically thinking about myself, avoid assessing myself, avoiding evaluating myself? One could say that... But, I have been doing it on and off..... Many a day I have cried to sleep in loneliness - fearing that is how I might spend my last days... Never knowing companionship...so I have distracted myself from going to those realms of assessing where I was and kept entertaining myself.

Nice early morning visits to Kodungallur, Irinjalakuda, Vadakkunatha, Parmekavu, Thiruvembady and drove down to Kalady for Siddharth's Upanayanam.

While in silent thoughts after the poonal, the most pressing idea in my mind is 'causality'. Rather the simple questions of "how do we influence the future"? Even to the point that, "are we influencing the outcome of anything at all"? What can we do to influence the order of things that unfold. Are we like sparrows who think highly of its strength that it thinks it caused the fruit to fall, while it was a fact that the fruit was just ripe to begin its journey.